Down Comforters and Red Shoes
Ah... I went shopping today with my aunt. I never thought I'd say this, but... I needed it. We had a great time. :) I got a down comforter (go, me!), a new set of simply smashing cotton sheets, red skechers (hee hee), and various and sundry small things. After all this, we went out to dinner and had good conversation.
Lovely.
Oh, and here we go: Em with a different mindset, again. It's a good thing I'm flexible, I swear, or I'd have been snapped in three a long time ago.
Happy New Year, everyone!
*sighs*
Why do I have to get to the end of my rope before something happens? Why do I have to completely lose it before anything will budge? Things should not be this way.
"Don't Stay," Linkin Park
Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need you to go
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need to be alone
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
I don't need you anymore, I don't want to be ignored
I don't need one more day of you wasting me away
I don't need you anymore, I don't want to be ignored
I don't need one more day of you wasting me away
With no apologies
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay
Don't stay
Don't stay
"I've been dealt a blow, Jane..."
And so I have. My hands are shaking, my head is spinning, my stomach hurts so badly....
And it's all nonsense. It was true before it was said. It was real before it was discovered, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to shift my reality. It shouldn't hurt like this! It shouldn't feel like I've been smacked! It shouldn't feel like I've been publicly humiliated when not one word was even spoken to me...
I don't know what is possessing me to write this HERE of all places.
Bah. I've got some poetry to write.
"You never felt jealousy, did you, Miss Eyre? Of course not: I need not ask you; because you never felt love. You have both sentiments yet to experience: your soul sleeps; the shock is yet to be given which shall waken it."
--Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre
"Firefly," Ken Block
She's not like anyone else
You wonder why she captured you like a firefly
And makes you shine like you never could alone
She gets high but hates those cigarettes
She speaks and breaks your intellect
She's allowed to change her mind
Just you try to stop her, yeah
And tell me
Can you see her shining across a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe she'll embrace your innocence, maybe
And tell me
Can you see her shining through a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe she'll embrace your innocence, maybe
She tells stories like a painter
Colorful words that I don't always understand
But always sounds like somewhere better than here
You know everywhere's better with her
And tell me
Can you see her shining across a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe she'll embrace your innocence, maybe
She has this subtle way of making you forget your darkness
Behind some clever conversation
No finer heart could ever beat for you
Could beat for you
And tell me
Can you see her shining across a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe she'll embrace your innocence, maybe
And tell me
Can you see her shining across a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe she'll embrace your
Maybe, oh just maybe ...
From Matchbox Twenty's "Hand Me Down"
Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they’re under your skin
Never once did you think that they’d lie
When they’re holding you
You wonder why they haven’t called
When they said they’d call you
You start to wonder if you’re ever gonna make it by
You’ll start to think you were born blind
From what I’ve seen
You’re just one more hand me down
Cause no one’s tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
Sparky!
Hey, everyone! I officially welcome Sarah as a bloggie! Visit her stunning (if I do say so, myself) blog and post a few comments. She'll be thrilled.
Sarah's Blog
For the rest of you: I didn't post welcome notices and such because I didn't think you'd care. She does, so I did. Deal.
Blue
I can't resist the blue. I got away from it for a short while, but it won't leave me alone!
I realize this background may offend some of you. I say, with all sincerity: get over it. Continue to enjoy the blog, and read it with your hands covering the background if it makes you feel better.
One More Sweet Nightmare
I dream the same dream every night
And each night it hurts a little less
The details fade a little more
And every morning I'm more aware of this half-closed wound
In the back of my mind
Sometimes in the middle of the short days
It blindsides me
And I gasp
Stumble as I walk
Blink hard
Straighten my shoulders
And pray God no one saw that time
I try to shrug out from under this thought
But it tangles itself into my hopes and fears
Neither of which will ever leave
I can't decide if this will leave me better or worse off than it found me
Stronger or just hardened again
Prouder or humbled
Fiercely independent or pliable and giving
Here I sit
Falling asleep again
Filling my head with anything to chase this dream away
But halfway through the night it finds me
Pulls me back down
Sinks its teeth into my skull
And I give in to the lie
Daylight shoots through my windows
A lance to pierce dreams
And I cry out
Anger pouring like wine into the water of pain
Changing its color and taste
So not even I can call it what it is
I'm giving in to the weakest part of my being
And telling myself it's called having faith in humanity
I've always been able to justify myself in anything
And this time
I'm the only one who feels the wound
That's how I like it, though
I'd rather be hurt by you than hurt you
Any of you
Myself, I can heal
You...
You I cannot even touch
Copyright ©2003, Emma N. Davis
*sigh*
So it's been awhile since I've put a new post up. I realize that. It's just that things changed
again, and I had to sort out my head
again. Geez, every time I think things are going to be okay for awhile, that I can settle into a mindset, someone changes the rules and runs out, leaving ME standing there adjusting. I hate it.
Seems like this is a really bad time to rely on one's peers. And I don't mean just ME relying on people, I mean people relying on ME. We none of us are staying the same. Bah. I need to grow up and get over it.
In other news, one faction of my family is insane. I'll leave your vivid imaginations to flesh that out. You probably will do less damage than I would if I told you the details, anyway.
I can't even remember what day it is. I mean, I know now that I've gone and checked, but there's no connection in my mind between me and the day and time. Break is my zone of "WHO CARES??" My room is clean, I've been doing the dishes and housework... See, I don't do well at focusing on school and home at the same time, I really don't. It's not like I'm being mean and lazy the rest of the time, it's just that it's not my area of focus. I'll have to remedy that flaw.
And I plan to keep my room clean. Much good may it do me. I never believe in myself in this area; it only leads to being disappointed in myself, which I avoid as much as possible. (Usually by doing what I ought to, granted, but if I don't see myself doing what I should, then I just don't expect it of myself. Everyone else hates this method, but it keeps me sane.)
I realized last night that next semester I won't have much, if any, homework or paperwork. MUWAHAHAHA!! This'll be my dream semester. It ain't happening ever again, either, so I'm going to enjoy it fully.
*growls* I miss my friends.
The Day After Christmas
Bleh. Funk.
Okay, I'm not going to be around for a bit. My cousin's friends are coming over for a day or so, and my aunt hates the way the DSL cable looks strewn across the floor. ::angel:: Anyway. Hmm. If you need me, call my cell, or email me, or something. I'll be back sometime tomorrow. I hope you're all doing well. Some of you I didn't get to talk to yesterday, and I miss you terribly. Take good care of yourselves.
Music at the moment: "Time Stands Still," All-American Rejects
An ever-fixed mark...
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
Hamlet. Act ii. Sc. 2.
Regarding this particular look
I've gotten mixed reviews on this one; everything from "It's perfect!" to "It scares me and looks evil."
It's neither. If it scares you, I'm really really sorry, but it's the only one that's making me like my blog. Otherwise, it doesn't feel right to me, and I don't like looking at it. If it's too busy for you, I'm sorry again. Uh... cover the rest of the background with your hands when you're reading the posts, or squint, or something.
Bottom line: it's warm, deep, pensive, complex, and yet background material. Like it or hate it, it stays for a while. You know I'll get tired of it. Hold out.
Snippets of wisdom...
A wise woman told me:
Em, this happens to everyone. It's part of growing up; rather, it
is growing up. I know you never thought you'd question everything, but it was bound to happen. The problem I'm seeing now is that you're becoming untethered. You're disconnecting from people you've always known simply because it's far too difficult for you to be with them. You can't rely on all these new people you've met; you can't even really trust them. No matter how much you like them, you don't know them. I know you say you're not relying on them, but on some level, you must be. And as far as (insert name here) goes, you told me from the very beginning that you felt a gut check. You simply find it impossible to trust (said person.) How much you like (person) doesn't really matter; you have wonderful instincts. If you start going against them, you will end up in trouble.
You've watched those videos of you when you were three. You saw how wonderful you were then. That's the person these new friends of yours are seeing; the nice, kind, empathetic, giving one. And I've news for you: that reclusive, defensive, rude, caustic person you've were for a while? I never thought that was the real you. This is the real Emma, the one who's coming back. So even if people don't approve, you must be making some amount of progress.
And you will change. You've changed an enormous amount very, very quickly. I don't think your friends have anything to do with that, and I think anyone who truly knows you will agree with me. You've never been swayed too much by people around you. I think this is just something you have to do. However, if you find yourself drifting away from what you know is right (and you do know what's right and what's not: at the core of your being, you will always know), you have to be willing to accept the consequences.
And if I change and become what I knew I'd never be?
Let me just say this: if it's you, it'll last. If it isn't, it'll fade within a few years. During those years, of course, you'll make everyone miserable. Now Em, I don't mind that you don't know who you are. I don't mind that you don't know how to tell me what's happening with you. I don't even mind that it's happening. What I do mind is you not being willing to trust those of us who love you. If you're afraid of being hurt, then know this: pain is life, and you cannot avoid it. Just like you're learning how to be open and forgiving with those you're meeting, you have to keep yourself open and keep forgiving those you've always known.
I told him I needed him. I told him I desperately needed to talk to him. I told him I wanted him to talk to me! He said no. After all we've been through, after all I've helped him through! It's not like I usually keep score, but I've bled and wept for him more than I have for any other human being, and all I wanted in return was someone to listen...
That hurts. I know it does. I know. I told him what was happening to you and ... He just stared at me. I'm sorry, Em. I truly am.
Don't forget to keep yourself centered, though. Read your Bible. Pray. Talk to Brian when he gets better. He always helps you think. I know you didn't want to change, but you did. It's mostly for the better. Just hang on. Don't panic. Keep your thoughts together and don't go against what you know is right, and you'll be fine.
Well, this one has changed. Interesting.
Your element is Water. You are a deep person and a
good communicator. Incredibably loving and
loyal when your trust is gained and you are
fairly mature.Myterious to the utmost water is
in everything. One can be an Ocean or a river
but nobody truly knows you.
What's your element brought to you by Quizilla
Because I'll post this as many times as I please....
"I feel a connection with you. Something deep. Like . . . you know how if you take a coin and break it in a vise and throw half in the ocean and keep the other in a dresser drawer, they'll yearn after each other? One day you're taking out a pair of socks and knock the drawer-half onto the floor without noticing. Somebody kicks it toward the door. A week later, it's half a block away. And the other half meanwhile, a fish swallows it and is caught and gutted and the entrails thrown into the trash, half-coin and all. So maybe a couple of months later, it might take a century, you'll find the two lying in the sand at the verge of some nothing-special stretch of country road, nestled together.
"That's kind of how I think we are."
-Michael Swanwick
That quote makes me shiver.
Me as a Candy
You're chocolate. You're the old soul type, people
feel that they have known you their entire
life. Many often open up to you for they view
you as thoughtful and trustworthy. Although
people trust you, you have a hard time trusting
them. You perfer to keep your feelings bottled
up inside, or display them very quietly. It is
all right to open up every once in a while.
Which kind of candy are you? brought to you by Quizilla
If I was your girlfriend...
-Perfect-
You're the perfect girlfriend, which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy places. You just like to hang out. You're happy just being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
Me as a Gem
I think they missed the mark, but it's pretty. *grins*
! You are most like An Emerald !
Caring, giving, - and very emotional. You're the person people turn to with a problem. You worry about everybody,
and genuinely want to help - a little too much sometimes.
As an emerald, you tend to take a more backseat to the other
gems, but your inner beauty soon captivates those who take
the time to get to know you.
Congratulations ... You're the selfless gem everybody needs as a friend.
?? Which Precious Gem Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla
A Poem by Bethany
Normally I wouldn't post something on here that one of my friends has on their blog, especially not something that they'd written themselves... But this poem threatened to make me cry, when I've been telling myself that that would be the final straw, to cry about something so small... So here it is, untitled and achingly beautiful.
"Night has fallen
A thousand stars glitter in the sky
Like raindrops on black velvet
Or diamonds sprinkled among coal
A cool breeze blows
And it's quiet
Too quiet
The silence haunts me
The emptiness taunts me
The stillness only serves to remind me
That you're not there
Your seat is vacant
My hand is cold
My voice echoes in my ears
And no reply comes
All I know is loneliness
All I feel is emptiness
When I raise my eyes to meet yours
All I see are stars
The breeze turns to wind
A bitter wind that stings my face
Clouds roll in to cover the stars
The stars that held such wonder for us
Such promise, such future
And the rain falls
It washes away my tears
And dries my fears
And sweeps away the past
But I still feel the loss
A thousand thunderstorms
Could never make me forget
The way you looked at me
A million raindrops
Could never erase the sound of your voice
From my mind
And I do mind
I mind that fate has seen fit to fling us apart
I mind that the bench beside me is cold
The clouds are blown away by the biting wind
And my heart is bathed in moonlight
Dried in the night air
Kissed to sleep by the cool breeze
The stars are particularly dazzling tonight
They glitter coldly, silent and harsh
And my hand is still cold"
Copyright ©2003, Bethany Brown
Shhh....
There's this eerie silence... All I can hear is the keys on my keyboard clicking and my computer's comforting whir. My aunt and my cat are both asleep. No one's calling me. No one's online. There's no one I want to call. No one I want to talk to. Here in this silence I can pretend that everything I dreamed last night was true. That one person did come home. The other one did call me. Another one did hug me tightly. She really did understand. He did offer to listen. She got her way. All the things I wanted came true, and then I woke up. I've never had a night of dreams like those. Shhh... maybe it wasn't a dream... if no one calls, if no one comes online, if my aunt continues to sleep gently and my cat doesn't come around the corner, time is in a no-passing zone. It could be any season. Why should it be almost Christmas? Aw, it isn't. If you don't open the blinds and don't turn on the heat, it's a chilly day in spring. Don't turn on your music, not now. It holds too much truth about who you are and what you aren't. Just breathe and burn the dreams onto your memory. Make them almost as real as experience. Maybe then it won't hurt so badly.
If You Want to Know
This morning I went to Justin's dance final and saw his group (I'm not quite sure if that was all of them, though) perform for the class. That was just great fun. I suppose it's fun to watch people have fun, and they certainly looked like they were having fun. Although.... once in a while I would catch Justin laughing like he does when he's sorry things aren't going better, but he's not going to trip about it... I wouldn't have noticed, not having the eye I ought, but that tipped me off.
Oh, and he wore this hat that with the bandanna... Well, you just had to be there. It was great.
Finally got the last of my work done, and I am so completely looking forward to next semester. I'm taking nine units of drama and I refuse to touch anything else with a ten-foot pole. This is the last semester I have to be entirely selfish. After this, I'm off to American River to get my degree in American Sign Language Interpreting. I'm going to be the top of my class in every class.
I AM.
So you see, this semester won't be work, not really. I mean, I work harder at drama than I do at anything else, but it doesn't feel like work. Even lugging the laptop and projector (yeah, I know I had help) down the stairs for Alice didn't feel like work. It was what I wanted to be doing. I wouldn't have been anywhere else. Running around checking props, helping Jenni learn how to stage manage, making sure Rossi had everything he needed.... None of it felt like work. I was there early every night. I did everything they'd let me do.
I know I can't be a drama major. I know that. After this semester, I probably won't touch drama for years to come. This semester, though, I'm going to drown myself in it. Do you know what it is to have a passion that won't be silenced? Do you know what it is to be driven from the very core of your being? Do you know what it is to feel completely at ease in a place? Do you know what it is to let fear drop away and stand, vulnerable, with nothing but your faith, hope, and innocence to hold you up?
If you don't, find a place where you can. It's the scariest, best feeling in the world, and you cannot be complete without it.
Oh, and uh, let me know what you think of the new font. Keep it? Ditch it? Any better suggestions? Let me know.
Man of La Mancha
"A knight without a lady is like a body without a soul."
What I Mean is...
I've noticed lately that when I listen to some people, I can hear what they're saying, but I can also hear what they mean and then respond on that level. I can skip some levels of conversation and intuitively "hear" them. Other people I have to listen to very carefully because I can hardly understand what they mean even when they spell it out for me. Sometimes I'm listening to someone and they fade out... I can't really connect to what they're saying, and I start to flounder. "No, no, I don't understand. Back up. What?" And going from that to a conversation with someone who communicates on that deeper, more intuitive level is like taking off a corset and slipping into my favorite pajamas.
Now, why do we think that is?
This, I like
Download the program. It allows you to post/publish/edit/whatever your blog without having to sign in to blogger.com. Go, me!
Here's the site.
Keys and Boxes
Okay, if you're familiar with my quirks (and maybe even if you're not), you know I love keys and boxes. I love oddly shaped keys that look like something from another time and place, keys that look like they'd open Pandora's box, and keys that look small and innocent, like the key to a tiny girl's diary. I love what keys represent; the power to unlock something (someone?), but also the sacred job of protecting that key and that thing (person?). Boxes make me feel like a little girl again. I could hide something in here. I could keep something safe. I could carry this box with me. I could leave it tucked away in my closet... Again, I love boxes that are unique. Wooden, metal, cardboard; it doesn't really matter what it's made of.
My ultimate favorite? Awesome boxes that lock... and a funky key to go with it.
I was only thinking about this because today Kat gave me a really great key. It's green, red, and yellow, and it's the old British style. She found it when she was in Bath. *grins* Makes me feel very content. I have a new key.
Fire and Ice
On a hilltop overlooking the ruins of the darkest city on earth or elsewhere
The queen of ice danced with the king of fire
They spun, hands and arms entwined
Eyes steadily locked
Tongues of flame ate away at snowflakes
And were extinguished a second later by waterdrops
Tears falling from the queen's eyes
Flame and frost would not let each other go
They were too entranced
They wanted to understand
Wanted to feel their opposite
Wanted to understand the enemy
Wanted to embrace what was alien
So slowly she melted
And slowly he died out
And on the hilltop overlooking the ruins of the darkest city
Flame and frost stared at each other
Flame was still smoldering, but he held snow in his hands
Frost's cold eyes were burning with fire
They laughed
Realized they were made from the same element
And they danced, overlooking the darkest city
Copyright ©2003, Emma N. Davis
Me as a Dark Jedi (stupid quizzes)
As Ulic Qel-Droma, you're more a Sith victim than a
true apprentice. You may have wreaked havoc
under the curse of Sith poison, but in the end,
you retreated back to the Republic.
Hey Star Wars fans! Which Sith Lord are you? brought to you by Quizilla
Just because I loved it
Me: "Then what am I?"
Jinx: "You, darlin', I'd say you're the insightful one that people are intimidated by without reason."
Personality Quiz
For those of you who are like me, insanely inquisitive about EVERYTHING, you may find that you want to know more about yourself, even. You're the ones who take every quiz I post and then some. I've found something I definitely recommend, but take the short version. Enjoy!
In-depth personality quiz.
*sigh*
I haven't been posting anything original, I know. It's just... Oi. Things haven't been really clear for me lately. I'm trying to find my place again, trying to get a handle on how much I've changed in the past months, trying to stop freaking out simply because my entire personality did a 180....
Remarkably, people I've met this semester are calling me nice, sweet, considerate, kind, a good listener, outgoing, beautiful....
Is anyone who's known me a long time scared by this? I am. How on earth am I going to live up to all this? I love these people, but I'm a selfish, picky, judgmental, rude person, and I... Argh. I mean, YES, I've become this other person (by God's grace; Amanda, David, you were there: poured out like wine) and I know that my strength comes from God, but... I'm still afraid.
The last thing I want to do is hurt them, but they seem to have placed this unrealistic image over who I am, and they're content to see no further. Part of me knows that that's their fault. Another part of me knows that PART of what they see really is true... And another part thinks I'm on an enormous ego trip.
Oh, and the ONE THING I desperately want settled still isn't. It's nebulous. It will have to be lived one day at a time, with no promises, plans, or guarantees, and I have to either live with that, or break. Argh!!
Me As a Samurai Characteristic (?)
Complete sincerity: You believe in being
straightforward with others, and you expect the
same from them. People would consider you a
good listener, and one who is calm and mostly
serious.
Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait) brought to you by Quizilla
Signs of Affection
100%, you must have put these signs to some use
because you are a master at it.
How well do you know your signs of affection? (Please Rate) brought to you by Quizilla
All right everyone, take this quiz. I really really want to know what you get. I answered them intuitively, so do me a favor and don't over-think them, then come back and post your results.
Thank you!
"Meant to Live," Switchfoot
Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bid for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live
"Losing My Religion," REM
Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
New Look... Again.
The other one was too good to last.
No, that's not it. Honestly, it's because I have my resolution so high on my monitor that the background had to double up, and I absolutely hate that. Fortunately, I now have an arsenal of blue backgrounds, so if you don't like this one, either let me know, or just know that I don't hate the attention span to leave it up long enough to drive you crazy.
This isn't what I'm meaning to say........ Aha! I need food! *wanders off in the direction of the kitchen, hoping she doesn't get too lost*
Me As a Color
You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive.
Find out your color at Quiz Me!
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"Cautioners," Jimmy Eat World
The time I would spend with pictures I would not send
I watched you go from left to right
I follow you all night across my blinds
I'm making my peace
And making it with distance
Maybe that's a big mistake
You know I'm thinking of you
I miss you
You'll change your mind come monday and turn your back on me
Take your steps away with hesitance
Take your steps away from me
Courtesy of my "little sister"
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
I think I get it...
I hate Christmas, right? Well, my middle name, Noel, means Christmas in French. Mom wanted me to be born on Christmas, and I was--only it was Ethiopian Christmas. Lucky for her, she had Ethiopian friends to tell her this.
Anyway, because of all this original consternation around Christmastime, then being born on Ethiopian Christmas (and being born is traumatic, you know), and then being called Emma Noel...
Emma means "Whole" and Noel means "Christmas"......
You put it together. I was bombarded with the thing from day one. Bah. Let's fast-forward to my birthday so I can sleep in.
"My Sundown," Jimmy Eat World
I see it around me, I see it in everything
I could be so much more than this
I said my goodbyes
This is my sundown
I'm gonna be so much more than this
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress
You'll take your time, but no one cares
No one cares
I need you to show me the way from crazy
I wanna be so much more than this
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress
You'll take your time, but no one cares
With one hand high, you'll show them your progress
You'll take your time, but no one cares
No one cares
I could be so much more than this
No one cares
I wanna be so much more than this
No one cares
I could be so much more than this
No one cares
I wanna be so much more than this
No one cares
I wanna be so much more than this
No one cares
I wanna be so much more than this
Good goodbye lovely time
Good goodbye tin sunshine
Good goodbye I'll be fine
Good goodbye, good goodnight
New Comments System
Okay, I've had a lot of complaints about the old comments system, so I replaced it with this one, which I've found to be very reliable. Unfortunately, all of your lovely comments and encouraging words have been replaced with blank silence. AGAIN.
There's only one way to fix this: "Do you amend it, then. It lies in you."
Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My mind is fraying at the edges...
Falling apart.....
I would like to just hide.
"Isn't anyone healthy anymore?" I wailed, and Peter sighed. "Em, let me tell you something that might shock you: people were never healthy."
"Anna Begins," Counting Crows
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, "For one time only,
Make an exception." I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
But we're always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget I am not worried
"If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to think about the consequences."
She can't stop shaking I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing
But I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not going to bend, and I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She's talking in her sleep
It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away She disappears and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
I've Been Thinking Again. Sorry.
I’ve discovered the oddest thing, and though it may just be my fancy that persuades me to believe this idea, I’m compelled… I meet people, and something clicks into place, like we’re puzzle pieces that have long been separated, lost under the couch, forgotten and dusty. Sometimes I can’t decide what in them draws me, or what it is in me that draws them, yet the connection cannot be denied. It’s even more intriguing when the connection is beyond words, or perhaps merely not touched by words. Justin and I, for example (yes, I’m using you because I think you’ll understand me), may never be able to say exactly what we are, but it’s implicitly understood (unless I miss my guess) that we’re connected. Neither one of us is eager to make any promises, yet requests aren’t denied, advice is gently yet firmly dispensed, and we’ll always listen to each other if we need someone to listen…
I’m being separated from people I’ve grown attached to, and I feel like a spoiled child whose favorite toys are being wrenched from her grasp. Perhaps even worse are the instances where people were just outside of my grasp. I wasted time, and now there’s nothing I can do. The “what if” is even more haunting than the person who fades from view as time goes on. This has happened continuously since I arrived here at the college, but this semester was different. This was the first time I met and bonded with people without fear… The connections are cleaner, freer… Stronger. “Hold on… Hold on to yourself For this is gonna hurt like hell…”
On the upside, I’ll have almost a month to sort out my own head, which will be welcome compared to the near-mania I’m in right now. It’s sort of hard to say this, but I almost feel like I’ve been surrounding myself with people to keep my mind from saying things I don’t want to address. “Yeah, I’m confused, tired, unsure of myself, hurting, scared, lost and wandering. Shut up. I don’t have time to deal with this. Look, I must be fine. Look how much I can handle! Look, they’re all clamoring for my attention! My phone rings off the hook, I’m not even able to keep up with half of my friends; I must be doing something right!”
But no. My head, heart, and body all know better. I can feel the stress. Taste the fear. Breathe the worry, when I breathe at all. “One more week, darlin’,” he said, and I almost cried. “Yeah, just one more week, I repeated to myself, “and then I can sort out my own head. I’ll get my room clean, call people back, discuss the issues, allow myself to cry, hard, as I finger the breaks and cracks that have recently decorated my heart. I’m not supposed to feel pain, not really. I have it so easy… I don’t like feeling like a wimp, but denying my feelings isn’t going to help, either. I need food, sleep, and solitude, none of which I’m allowing myself these days. I’m ignoring my basic needs because I can’t cope. God, even in simply admitting that, I feel so much better. First I admit that something’s wrong, and that it stems from within, not without; secondly, I allow myself to feel; thirdly, I address and correct the issues and/or situations.
*sighs* It works.
Wow. Just wow.
It's completely surreal. I'm sitting on the stage with Eve-Anne. Richard Rossi is asking what I think of certain auditions. Pam Rogers is bouncing ideas off me. I'm supposed to help with costume design. I'm calling people with their audition results.
*inhales*
Wow. Okay, so I didn't get home until eleven and I have more than a few papers to write. *grins* It was completely worth it. I'm sworn to secrecy, sadly, so no, I can't tell you if you made it or not. You'll find out sometime next week, because I volunteered to call EVERYONE, not just those who made it. Personally, I don't even want to think about the agonizing wait from now 'til then. I'm sorry, guys. *sniffle*
In other news, the stage roof is leaking again. I don't understand it. The thing is concrete!! I suppose it's all the pipes running around. They must have gaps around them. That stupid roof is one of the very few reasons I'm not happy when it rains. I love the rain! That's it. I'm going to tar the theater ceiling, that's what I'm going to do. Yeah! New project for stagecraft.
Ooo. Messy.
(I wish I weren't kidding. Any other ideas?)
Justin did turn up to audition! Great job, dear! You were simply fabulous, but I bet you know that already. Oh, and in case you were wondering, you sing bass. And don't worry. Things will be okay. :)
Tomorrow's the last official day of my drama classes, and ... *sniff* I'm going to miss the company.
Omar: You're just awesome. You're handsome, funny, smart, and such a spiffy dresser... Keep in touch!
Devin: I shall miss your questions. You ask everything about everything. You keep me thinking, and hey, I would compliment your looks, but eveyone says you look like my brother, so I won't. *laughs*
Chris: Can you play the piano again? Please? For hours? And can I just sit and listen? *grins* You are seriously talented. Keep up your song-writing, and hey, give me your email so we can exchange lyrics!
Kevin: Heh. I don't have to say much, do I? You know you rock. And hey, you'll be back next semester for more abuse.
Ben: We seriously need to get together and write that monologue. "What's it like not having a twin, anyway?"
Oh, I can't stand it! I just hope I see you all next semester. Argh. That's one thing about college that seems a bit harsh: we rotate friends biannually.
New Blog Links
Okay, I have some new names over in the links section. The only thing is, I'm no longer guaranteeing that they're safe for the entire family. These blogs
do belong to the authors, we understand.
The thing is, I don't want to hear about it if you don't like their blogs, kay? Just don't visit them anymore. If you do like them, enjoy. *grins* Simple enough. I'll try and include a heads-up on the links, though, okay?
Auditions and Et Cetera.
Bah. Back to work in a few minutes (not that I mind, hee hee). I really hope Justin and Mike show up for auditions. We need them badly.
"Lost Without You," Blink 182
I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Well.
Most of the time, I'm really a happy, inventive, creative, well-balanced human being. I'm kind of drifting towards pensive right now, and I was feeling guilty about it until I started reading some blog entries I found lying around on some blogs.
People are truly unhappy, confused, tired, angry, lost, hurt, addicted, and hopeless.
I'm a spoiled child who never learned to be grateful.
My fault? I think not.
So today I was seriously stressed out about something, and I was trying to keep myself occupied by running around the theater pretending like the few things I could find to do were important. The gang was hanging out in the lobby, and every time I ran through, someone would tag me, try to trip me, yank on my skirt, or
something. I found it amusing until Ben and Matt pinned me against a wall. I suppose even that was amusing until I realized that they were not going to STOP. Alice came up and grabbed Ben off me, I threw Jason the keys I was holding, and turned around, wrestled with Matt for a moment, then threw him against the door.
See, he's supposed to be some karate expert, so I used a typical sidestep and throw method. I didn't expect it to work...
So when he hit the door handle (one of those really burly door handles, you know, they run vertically up the door) and collapsed, I felt really bad.
However, I feel compelled to point out that normally I'm a peaceful person. (David, stop laughing.) That doesn't make me a wimp, though, and if you keep pushing me, there comes a point where I'll push back. *shrugs*
I seriously didn't mean to hurt him, though. *sighs*
SWEET!
All right, so that's a word you'll rarely hear come out of my mouth, but I do have fabulous news: I'm stage managing the musical next semester! Even better, I've been with it from day one. :) I'm quite pleased. I'm moving up from being a tech to being a stage manager.
Justin, don't laugh too hard. You know you're gonna get stuck dancing in this thing, and I'll have a grand time making your life miserable. *grins*
Blast.
I've put all my work off until the last minute, my room's a mess, I'm really worried about other things... And whatever. Whatever whatever whatever. I'm going to bed.
New Look
So, what do you think?
Be patient.
I'm reworking the blog. I know. It's ugly, I know. Bear with me. Like last time, I'll let you know when I'm finished. Hold the complaints until then.
Irony
Sometimes you find things completely reversed and...
Oh, how my head spins. I'm on the phone with a dark elf, talking things out, trying to figure out why and who and what and when and trying to get a handle on a situation that wasn't supposed to be a problem.
Never turn your back when things are in motion. Never trust something that has never been tried.
Don't stay up too late, either.
"The Difference," Matchbox Twenty
Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city’s still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost
And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be
Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she's moving further from you
There was nothing that could make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you
That she's walking wrong
Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want
Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down
Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday
For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want
Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
Girl, what you wanna be
Ooo, she's good.
My aunt says my room has to be clean if I want to play on DSL with no specific purpose... Doing "personal projects."
Guess who's cleaning her room? *laughs*
DSL
My arms are hurting. My hands are cramping. My eyes hurt. My butt's asleep. My back hurts. My head hurts around the ears. My feet are cold, but the rest of me is in rapture, pain notwithstanding...
No, I don't have the flu.
Even worse.
I finally have DSL on my desktop ... In my bedroom.
Oh, sweet mother of ether.
Spoiled....... yeah.
So I'm really really spoiled. I'm not used to not getting my way. I do basically whatever I please.
This is disturbing.
I even expect people to change rules for me... And they
do. Insane.
What's to be done about this? Is life going to get really hard again? Am I going to lose something I'm crazy about?
Innnnnnteresting.
Homework and going to class: the only things I don't like about school.
You know why I'm posting so much? Why I'm bombarding you with seemlingly random lyrics?
I have a lot of homework to do. Of course.
See, I could be cleaning my room instead, which is what I usually do when I have homework, but it's cold, so I want to be in bed. Oh, and I'm telling myself that I'm going to start on my play any minute now. Any minute....
Or maybe any OTHER minute. That's probably closer to the truth.
I can't believe Christmas is around the corner. Naturally, I don't have money for gifts. I love you all dearly, but I'm broke. :-\ Can I write things for you instead, telling you how awesome you are and why?
I didn't think so. Well, it was worth a try.
You know, when you want attention from someone specific, you can be lavished with it from a dozen other sources, and it won't make a bit of difference. It won't help. It'll only make you even more aware that your efforts aren't working. I just realized that very recently. I suppose that means that usually I make enough racket that people pay attention to me. Honestly, that's never been one of my concerns. It's a good thing I'm experiencing this, because I'd never have written it like this.
And it is frustrating.
"Faint," Linkin Park
I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact that everybody can see
These scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you to just believe
This is real
So I let go, watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense
I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
No
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not
Right now
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not
Right now
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
"Numb," Linkin Park
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow
Every step I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
Oh, and for the vote:
Should I answer my phone when people call me?
Too.... early... brain.... not .... functioning.... Urk.
Well, the title says it all, but I'm bored enough to keep talking. My eight o'clock assignment didn't show up, so here I am, back in the media center... Hmm. Seems like forever ago that I actually used to be here every day. The theater's calling me.... *snickers* But I don't even know if Mike's there yet. Ish. The 1000 building is getting dangerous these days. It's crawling with creeps. I don't know yet why that is, either. Ah, well. I'm heading out. Peace, love, and mint gum to everyone.
