Buckle in... this could be a long one.
So I missed going to church on Easter Sunday. Yeah. Me. I was sick... coughing... nasty cough... and all things considered, it's not the kind of illness you want to bring to church. However, there was this funny ache all day long. Even though I personally don't think there's a difference between church on a random Wednesday and church on Easter, it still seems awkward to have missed it. Even stranger, though, was my physical reaction. I've noticed lately that I've become something of a stoic; laughing when I want to cry, smiling when I want to growl, calming down instead of blowing up, listening patiently instead of flying off the handle...It's good for me in a lot of ways. Self-control never used to be a very important thing to me, and now it seems odd to remember those days. It feels like an age since I just let everything go and didn't try to be careful.
In other ways, though, it wears on me. There's a lump in my throat sometimes when there shouldn't be, and I get quiet and try to remember what I really feel... but for now it's layered under a lot of other emotions that seem utterly necessary. I'm sure I feel something very real and vital just one held breath away, but....... I can't stop breathing and listen. I almost don't want to know. This is utterly foreign to me. I used to have several confidantes, but now I swear I can't stand the thought of laying some of this on anyone. No one deserves this mess.
Even Ben, who would listen to me by the hour and not flinch... I can't bring myself to say half the things that I'm almost brave enough to admit to feeling. It's really easy to be sweet. It's really easy to smile at everyone and charm them until they don't care one bit about you as a person. They care about the sweetness.... the soft smile... the sympathy.... the listening ear.... but if they knew you used to rage, cruelly judge, toss your head and a barbed insult, they wouldn't care.
But that's not who I am anymore. I'm truly not. I don't even have those impulses. I'm nicer than I was, and I'm enjoying it... It's just that I used to be so harshly aware of everything I felt, and now I have to double-check to see if I have a pulse. Am I fading? Becoming a mouse? What in the WORLD is going on?
To top it all off, I'm horribly selfish. Of all the things I could have blogged about, I chose to throw yet another pity party. Please, someone slap me.
I have rope lights in my room. (Thanks, Ben, for the assist.) You should come over and see 'em. Yeah, you. Really. It looks incredible in here.
I have a lot of new music... I've rediscovered putting CDs on hold through the library system. Yes, to join the geeks' club, you have to have a blog and be able to recite your library card number from memory. Thank you, you're in.
Anything else you wanted to know? Leave me a note... or maybe you could call me. I doubt I'd answer my phone... I rarely do... it rings too much. But try. Oh, and don't try to reach me between 7 and 3:30 weekdays. I'm a'workin'.
My cat's in the hospital with an abcess in her leg. Geez.
Oh, on the upside, my grandparents are giving me a car. See?!?!?! I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT I AM A SPOILED BRAT WHO DOESN'T USE THE BRAIN HER GOD GAVE HER SOMEBODY PLEASE SLAP ME!!!!!!!!!
And I was remembering a lot of things... past things that hurt a lot. Wonder why they still hurt when I've got my own things going on now? It's not like I need/want/miss those people, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
*chokes on her own words and runs out*
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