On Trust
"I don't trust anyone," I said matter-of-factly. "Not even God, not all the time."
And my friend Derek was stunned. "I never thought I'd hear you say that."
"Well, it's true," I said ruefully.
And it is true. My friends, the ones who've known me for a long time, all know it. It's quietly accepted, and they know it's not personal. I don't say it's your fault I don't trust you. It wouldn't matter how trustworthy you were; it wouldn't matter. It takes me years to truly trust people, and even after that, one wrong move, and I'm back nearly where I started. It doesn't really bother me anymore, to be brutally honest. I don't really know what the point of trusting people is, anyway. What does that mean? Does it mean I stop questioning your motives? Does it mean I trust you with secrets? And I have very few secrets that I truly care to keep, anyway. I'll tell you this one if you offer me a listening ear and comfort in return. Advise me. Tell me your view. And yeah, if you turn around and tell the next person who comes along, more power to you. Stupid of you, but not really unexpected. I don't think less of you for it, I just make sure that I'm desperate for someone to listen before I turn to you again.
I'm on this little rant because my friend still doesn't understand. "You can trust me."
I laughed softly. "Never trust a man who says 'trust me'."
And the dark elf doesn't expect me to trust him. In fact, that might disappoint him, I think. Who knows.
Ben wants me to trust him, and from the looks of things, I might end up actually doing so. I sort of don't care if I get hurt in the long run these days. I've discovered that I bounce back from things that are supposed to mess people up. I'm stronger than I look, and I've become a lot more matter-of-fact about getting myself into messy situations. I wouldn't call this apathy, really. I care. I just don't care as much as I used to, and I want the experience enough that it overrides my self-preservation mechanism.
This post will make sense to maybe.... five of you. Meh. Ah, who cares. Take it for what it's worth.
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