Paint and Pride
So I'm here wearing painted clothes
Thinking heavy thoughts that aren't close to coherent
Wondering what's wrong with me
Wanting to know why my defense mechanisms are so unbelievably high this past week
Why it feels like I've lost all the progress I've worked so hard to make
Why one look from you and I just want to run
Either at you or from you, and I never can tell which
I can talk to you until you're there
Then I hurl insults and scowls
And even though we both know it's not real
I still feel unbelievably childish
And I want to say "It's only you who brings this out in me, it's you!"
But it's not
It's me
It's still in me
It just so happens that you bring it out
It isn't your fault that I have the tendency to build walls so high
And never anywhere except where it matters
Except where the potential for pain is beyond my imagination
When I try to see the worst-case scenario and instead, I panic
Cringe, cross my arms, turn my head and change my mind again
Change the subject
Imagine something quieter and ignore my cowardice
I'm sorry for the insults
I'm sorry for the looks
I'm sorry for the paint and the smart remarks
I'm sorry for everything I never meant to say
And I'm sorry I never say what I mean to
Give me a second
I'll try to peel off another layer of paint
Maybe we'll get to the wooden core of me before time runs out
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