Something's missing.... Oh, right..... You. You're missing.
Yeah, so maybe it's time for another round of self-pity... First, though, an apology.I'm sorry to everyone who's so completely disappointed in me. I'm sorry I didn't become everything I promised I would; whether you're mad at me for not knowing what I want to do with my life or worried sick because I've "fallen from grace," I'm sorry. I really am. I'm living this stupid life of mine one decision at a time, and so far, I'm doing the best I can. You go ahead and tell me that I'm ignoring the advice of my elders, my opportunities to succeed, and yeah, you're right, 'cause hey, I could be in Boston engaged to a nice Pentecostal boy right about now, couldn't I? Yeah, I could. Sure could've.
But didn't. And while I'm sorry to have let you down, one of these days, you've gotta let go of what I was "supposed to be" and either decide you're still in this thing or not, and quite frankly, if you choose to cut me loose, good riddance. If you can't see past this, or if you don't WANT to, fine. If you're so convinced that it would damage YOUR moral fiber to still love me the way you used to, then please, by all means, protect your sanctity and leave me be. I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, either.
As for being upset that I'm "not doing anything with my life," how about work? I have a great job... ten bucks an hour, and I'm learning more than I ever wanted to know about how to treat people with respect and consideration. I bet I'm nicer than you are, these days. Hard to believe, but watch me in action and you'll see it's true. Psh. Furthermore, I have been ahead my ENTIRE LIFE. I started college at fourteen. Don't you think it's okay if I take a slight break to catch my breath, look around, get my bearings, before I start hiking? Maybe life takes a little more perspective than I have. If you think I ought to see everything so clearly, let's talk about where you were at my age, and unless you were working with Mahatma Ghandi and company, then shut up.
And also, I hate it when I miss people who don't care about me. Yesterday was miserable because the kids at rehearsal were learning to hip-hop and break dance, and who did I think of? Yup. Jinxy, Justin, the Devil himself. What's worse? There was this funny ache in my head and in my chest, and I realized that it was from missing him. I do miss him. I miss the interaction. No one TALKS to me these days. I mean, except for my three or four... I just don't have conversations like I used to, and I think my brain is turning to mush. No one wants to challenge me to a duel, convince me to think a little outside the box, ask me to question my own head.... No one. In odd ways, I'm lonely. I mean, I'm really happy; I like my life, and there's not a whole lot I'd change about it, but there are a handful of people I miss acutely. The sad thing is, they don't miss me, and I would be quite surprised if they thought of me at all, considering that all but one of them didn't think about me at ALL except when I was around. Hey, when I was around, I was quite important, though. Very. Had me going... I actually thought they cared. (See, there I go being all self-centered again, but I truly am frustrated.)
I dunno. Part of me just wants to cut a lot of ties (mentally, that is) and get on with things, and the other part of me is screaming to go through my phone book and get back in touch with everybody.
I have a lot of loose ends, relationships (friends and otherwise) that never warranted an explanation or a goodbye, and I want closure... NOW. I'm gonna make it myself if I can't get it any other way.
"Don't waste your time on me
You're already the voice inside my head
I miss you, I miss you"
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