Aw, man
Here we are, another year, and my mom and I still don't get along unless we just ignore each other. It's so sad. I mean, for those who'll know what I'm talking about, Christmas Day I sat and stared at her, a Three Days Grace song spinning through my head. I love her SO MUCH that it makes my heart ache. We've got this dysfunctional thing going, though, because for so long I was the one who took care of things, made sure we hung together on the home side of things... She worked her fingers to the bone, and I took care of my brothers. It was a good match. She likes taking care of things financially, and I'm a mothering kind of kid, believe it or not. I liked nothing better than raising those boys. It was the only thing about moving that broke my heart. I'd lie awake at night and cry, worrying that I was deserting them... But it was for the best. I knew that within months of being away from them. I needed space, and they needed to bond with my mother again. Only... she's still more comfortable taking care of them by working and providing for them. She's good at it.The thing is, I held that against her for a while. I never wanted to be provided for. I mean, I'd rather have a small house and a mom who came home at 4 than a large one and a mom who got home at seven. I wasn't truly thankful for the things she provided for us, because they carried strings. They represented the fact that she was missing most of the time, and was distant when she was home because God, she had to recover sometime. Anyway... It's .... I still want her to approve of me, but she wants my approval just as much, if not more. She wants me to like the way she parented us, the way she's still parenting us. She wants me to understand why she did the things she did, why she made her choices the way she did. And all in all, we made it through, I think... But the truth is, we don't approve of each other.
She can't stand my headstrong nature, my temper, my passion, my stubborn belief that things should not be this way, my readiness to apply my own values to other people and find them wanting, while never truly wielding my insight against my own flaws...
And the things I can't stand about her are none of your business, honestly, since most of what I would say is very harsh, indeed. She doesn't need that.
I just hoped I'd be past this by now. That's one of my new goals, I guess... To get along with my mother by the time I'm 21. To not care if she sits and lists my flaws. To not care that she eyes me up and down every time she sees me, then comments... To not care that she wants me to be thinner, kinder, more responsible, quieter, more ladylike.
To just understand, be understanding, and love her. To understand that I don't HAVE to approve of her... To realize that it's not my place to judge her any more than it is hers to judge me, and in fact, much less. *sighs*
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